Anybody can write a sketch. Only almost anybody can print out that sketch. In this class students will be exposed to different techniques for tricking your printer into thinking it has ink, finding blank sheets of paper around your apartment, and collating on a moving train. Students will learn how to save a Final Draft file as a .pdf file, email documents to themselves, and save money by only printing one and then making copies of that. Students are expected to have a working gmail account and debit card with at least $8 on it. Individual notes will be given.
Class will be held at FedEx/Kinkos on 7th Avenue and 24th St.
About the instructor: Eddie Brawley is a renowned professional and can be seen walking all over town. If you think about his name while putting on a hat, you’ll remember it forever. When not doing comedy, Eddie enjoys spending time with his wife and three beautiful children. He has studied with some of the most brilliant comedy minds of our day, including Byron Allen, Chelsea Handler, Susan Sontag, and Larry the Cable Guy.
Flashback with Johnny McNulty
“Message Marked Apocalypse” - December 2006
I made this video for my final project in my college video class, 3 years ago this spring. This has several hallmarks of early-McNulty video: it was made in 2 days (despite having months to do it), way more ambition than was possible, and jury-rigged special effects.
If you look right at the end, my friend Greg Goodman pretends to smoke out of an empty pipe, but accidentally takes a big resin (tobacco resin…) hit out of it in an engineering lecture hall in the middle of the day. My favorite part of this, though, are the drawings we made on the blackboard. - Johnny McNulty
Hey party people,
Just a reminder that we are always accepting submissions of any old/outdated comedic material from years 2008 B.C. to 2008 A.D. (2009 coming soon!). So even if you’ve already submitted, if you or anyone you know has any great or terrible old stuff that needs to see the light of day send it this way. As ever, you may email us or submit directly. You may also submit in The Official Forums.
Love your interns,
J. Patrick and J. Marie
FLASHBACK WITH *DAN CHAMBERLAIN
“Written March, 2008.” - Dan Chamberlain
Nine Lesser Known Secrets of The Ooze:
9. The Ooze has a passion for swing dancing.
8. The Ooze shoplifts knick-knacks that it could totally afford.
7. The Ooze never told Mark how much he loved him before he died in that snowmobiling accident.
6. The Ooze has a favorite parent.
5. The Ooze wore your turtleneck and totally meant to return it, but some shit dribbled off a slice of pizza that The Ooze was eating and try as it did to wash it out, the thing just wouldn’t clean. The Ooze then threw it away to destroy the evidence.
4. The Ooze tells its friends it is voting for Ron Paul, but will probably vote for McCain.
3. The Ooze distrusts Spanish women.
2. In middle school, The Ooze called its best friend “white trash” so Ricky Garson would think it was cool and invite it to his party. The Ooze was not invited to Ricky’s party, and it never apologized to its friend.
1. The Ooze often has panic attacks about future lovers leaving it for another Ooze.
* Festival Performer
Comedy Flashback Week 2009 - “The #1 Internet comedy festival on the Internet” - is once again underway, and I’m proud to kick off this week’s festivities. This is a festival to celebrate old and/or no longer relevant comedy. In that spirit here are some jokes that didn’t make it into a sketch/variety show I worked on in Fall 2008.
- Eddie Brawley
“Old Jokes”
On the 2008 Olympics:
The Beijing Catering Trade Association has told more than 100 designated Olympic restaurants to remove dog from their menus in an effort not to offend foreign tourists. So diners will no longer be able to taste dog meat intentionally.On Madonna’s Divorce:
Madonna divorced her husband Guy Richie this week to be with Yankee Alex Rodriguez, confirming the stereotype that elderly Jewish women love gay men.On A Rumored Jackson 5 Reunion:
Jermaine Jackson said this week that the Jackson 5, including Janet and Michael, would be reuniting for a series of concerts. To be fair, that’s his excuse whenever he needs the night off at Applebee’s.On Somalian Pirates:
Somalian Pirates are on track to make a record $50 million dollars in profit in 2008. That much money will go a long way, especially when your living expenses are less than a dollar a day.On Sarah Palin:
It was reported this week that Sarah Palin was unaware that Africa was a continent. When corrected, Palin replied, “No, I know the three continents: coffee, yogurt, and your choice of bagel or donut.”
*Festival Performer
Hey Everyone!
We’re back! J. Marie dug herself out of that cabin and solved the case of the murdered Yeti! The comedians are all fine as well. As for that traveling southern blues band, well let’s just say that was the night they ate old Dixie down.
To start your comedyflashbackweek off right, we’re announcing this festival’s workshops! Sign up now, class spots are going fast.
Sincerely,
J.Patrick McNulty and J. Marie Morris, Interns
Bobcat Goldthwait Feeding, Grooming And Care - By Robert Saghet (“Comedy Central Regrets”)
Congratulations on your new Bobcat Goldthwait! A Bobcat Goldthwait is a great addition to any household or Jimmy Kimmel production team. Learn about managing shedding and total hair loss, teaching the Bobcat to when it’s not ok to warble and shriek, and telling your skeptical friends about his dark, under-appreciated comedy. Participants are welcome and encouraged to bring their Bobcat Goldthwaits to class.
$400 - Thursday 12pm-12am.
Printing Out Your Sketch - Eddie Brawley (See below)
Anybody can write a sketch. Only almost anybody can print out that sketch. In this class students will be exposed to different techniques for tricking your printer into thinking it has ink, finding blank sheets of paper around your apartment, and collating on a moving train. Students will learn how to save a Final Draft file as a .pdf file, email documents to themselves, and save money by only printing one and then making copies of that. Students are expected to have a working gmail account and debit card with at least $8 on it. Individual notes will be given.
$200. Class will be held at FedEx/Kinkos on 7th Avenue and 24th St. Wednesdays at 6:55pm, right before class.
*About the instructor: Eddie Brawley is a renowned professional and can be seen walking all over town. If you think about his name while putting on a hat, you’ll remember it forever. When not doing comedy, Eddie enjoys spending time with his wife and three beautiful children. He has studied with some of the most brilliant comedy minds of our day, including Byron Allen, Chelsea Handler, Susan Sontag, and Larry the Cable Guy.
We’re back! The all-week festival starting up again this Monday, and as always, the after party is at 4-4:15 Friday afternoon, on top of the Empire State Building.
I can’t believe the comedyflashbackweek festival off-season is already over.
Man, when I think back to everything that’s changed over the last 14 days, I can’t imagine what comedy from a long time ago is going to look like now that it’s even longer ago. It’s a whole new world out there, except for here, where it’s before.
J. Marie is still snowed in up in Vermont with all those comedians, a traveling Dixie band, and a Yeti, so I’m opening up shop here all by my lonesome! And we only locked in five comedians over the vacation this year! A major improvement.
By the way, let us once again remind everyone the back hallways are not a rent-free living space. If you want to hang out back there while you’re waiting for your show, maybe indulge in some chemical relaxation, fine. But once the hibachi comes into play, it’s gone too far!
Come home safe, J. Marie!
Your faithful intern,
J. Patrick McNulty
FLASHBACK WITH *BENJAMIN RAGHEB
“I am submitting this in the hope of earning the title of Farthest Flashback: it is a video made by David Chottiner and myself (with some help by Andy Maher) in the Spring of 1998. It served as a “cold open” to The Evening of the Arts, an annual student-run variety show.
Although you are watching it on a computer, it was originally recorded and edited on VHS-format magnetic tape, using state-of-the-art play-pause-rewind-record techniques. Afterward it was delivered to the school on foot, in the snow, uphill, both ways.
Some useful things to know when watching:
“Playing for Time” is a play, based on a movie, based on a book about female prisoners in a Nazi death camp who played music for their captors. I played the part of Doctor Joseph Mengele. It was the most humorless thing we had ever taken part in.
Mr. Paul “Scooter” Ejzak served as Assistant Coach for the cross country running team the year before, where he let the students call him “Scooter”; the following year he joined the English Department and asked us to address him as Mr. Ejzak. We tried, but old habits are hard to break.
In 1998 our school issued student ID cards. This video is the only time we ever used them for anything.
Anthony Hopkins appears courtesy Orion Pictures Corporation.”
“Chottiner & Ragheb host ‘An Evening of the Arts’” - “An Evening of the Arts” is an annual student-run performance at Shady Side Academy. In the Spring of 1998, seniors David Chottiner and Benjamin Ragheb asked student organizer Meera Nair if they could host the show. She agreed, and David and Ben made this video to be played in Memorial Hall prior to their entrance. It was edited using dual VCRs.”
*Festival Performer/Winner of Farthest Flashback
* Performer/Writer for Tonight’s UCB Show Orson Welles’ Basement of Terror!
FRANK’S COMEDY FLASHBACK
Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.
[ bottom ]
FRANK HEJL ARGUES WITH "JANITOR" SKETCH BY FRANK HEJL
By: Frank Hejl
NOTE: I wrote the 'Janitor' sketch almost two and
a half years ago. I'm a huge fan of The State's writing style
and sensibility and this was my POOR attempt to mimic some of
those sensibilities. Some of it is pretty much lifted from
Stella or The State.
This video sketch will never be produced for three reasons.
First, there is no humor in it. Second, it's ridiculous to
shoot given how I want it to look. And, most importantly,
it's just stupid and kind of sucks.
I had no choice but to do one final rewrite where I yell at
myself in the stage directions. They are in parenthetical on
the right.
INT. GYMNASIUM
PRINCIPAL ANDERS is gripping out the janitor.
(THIS SHOULD BE GRIPING!
NOT GRIPPING! FOOL!)
The janitor, CHARLES GOODMAN, is against a wall.
(Is the name subtle
enough? Pffft!)
PRINCIPAL ANDERS
You listen up and you listen good,
mister. These children don't need
to hear your half baked stories and
wild ideas!
CHANCE
What's the matter, Principal
Anders? Afraid the kids might learn
something valuable?
Principal Anders approaches aggressively to his face and
grabs Chance's collar.
PRINCIPAL ANDERS
You're skating on thin ice, pal.
You better watch your step.
Principal Anders aggressively pushes off and backs away.
CHANCE
Don't you mean where I'm skating?
(REALLY?)
(THAT'S WHAT I FUCKING
WROTE?)
(AS IF IT WERE FUNNY AND
SLY?)
Principal Anders looks at him with wild eyes.
PRINCIPAL ANDERS
You think this is funny? You just
wait mister. Your time will come.
Principal Anders walks off.
CHANCE
Do take care, Prinipal
Annnnnnderrrssssss.
(Me trying to throw in
"weird" dialogue and
humor.)
(Something I haven't
grown out of or improved
on.)
Two kids, JACK and VERITY, come out from the corner.
JACK
Man, what's Principal Anders
problem?
VERITY
I don't understand why they hate
you so much.
(Verity was the name of
the main character in the
first One Act play I ever
acted in.)
(I won Best Actor in the
Regional competition for
that play. Yeah, I was
THAT good, asshole!)
CHANCE
Sometimes people fear that which
they do not understand.
JACK
But you've given us so much
knowledge and wisdom about the
world.
CHANCE
I'm a janitor, kids. That's all
they see.
VERITY
How did you become so knowledgeable
about everything?
CHANCE
There was a time...I was a
professor at a prestigious ivy
league school. I won multiple
awards for my writings, even a
Nobel.
(BLUGGHHHHHHH, Fuck you,
Frank! FUCK YOU! Really?)
(I know this is SUPPOSED
to be lame dialogue, but
it actually goes beyond
satiric and actually
becomes unfunny and
lame.)
JACK
What? What are you doing here then?
CHANCE
I gave up when I lost my wife and
son to a tragic accident.
VERITY
Oh my god! That's terrible.
CHANCE
We were on holiday in Spain, a man
on a Vespa came out of nowhere...
VERITY
He hit them?
CHANCE
No. He had attracted a stray bull
from the bull run and...I just
couldn't save them.
(I'm so ashamed to say
this, but I stole this
bait & switch idea from
'Not Another Teen
Movie'.)
(I am SO sorry. This is
more painful than I
thought.)
Slow clapping is heard from the corner and we see Jack and
Verity's parents, BRETT and HOPE, move forward.
BRETT
Moving story, Janitor, but I think
it's time you keep to your own
kids.
CHANCE
Didn't you hear my story? I lost my
only child.
BRETT
I don't want to hear it, Janitor!
Chance looks over to Hope. She becomes shy.
HOPE
Hi, Chance.
CHANCE
Hope, you're beautiful as always.
Brett steps in between them.
BRETT
Hey! And stay away from my lady,
freak!
(Aaaaand there's the Teen
Wolf-esque reference.)
BRETT (CONT'D)
Brett takes Jack and Verity by the
arms and leads them out. Hope
remains behind as she stares at
Chance.
BRETT (CONT'D)
Hope, let's go!
Hope walks away slowly. A spotlight focuses on Chance.
CHANCE
(Monologue goes here.)
(Yeah, my ass was too
lazy, too uninspired and
too untalented to type an
actual monologue here.)
(It was supposed to be
serious and somber.
That's funny, right?!)
At that moment an ANGRY MOB of teachers and parents storm in.
GUY 1
There he is!
GUY 2
How dare he try to take our kids
away from us!
WOMAN 1
Let's get him!
The crowd gathers around Chance.
CHANCE
Enough! What have I done wrong? You
have failed your children. Turning
a blind eye to them when they only
ask to be seen. Deaf ears fall upon
their questions and concerns. All I
did was be who you couldn't be. I
gave your children hope and
insight, and I ask nothing in
return but for you to leave me be.
The crowd becomes completely silent.
GUY 1
The janitor...I mean, Chance, is
right. When did we lose our way? We
should applaud this man for showing
us the light!
The crowd applauds. Hope breaks through the crowd.
HOPE
Chance! Chance! I can't take it
anymore! I love you, I always have!
CHANCE
Hope...I don't know what to say.
I'm not sure I'm ready. I don't
know if I can...
At that moment a bright light appears and the spirits of
Chance's dead wife CHARLOTTE and son BEN appear.
CHARLOTTE
Chance!
CHANCE
Charlotte! Ben!
CHARLOTTE
We're very proud of you, Chance.
But it's time to let go. It's time
to move on.
A bright light surrounds them and they begin to disappear.
BEN
It's OK, daddy. We'll always be in
your heart!
Their voices fade off and Chance begins to nod in agreement
as tears fill his eyes. He then looks to Hope and gives her a
passionate kiss. The crowd cheers. Principal Anders steps
forward.
(That previous section I
was obsessed with for the
longest time and still
write that type of trope
in things.)
(It's just funny to me
for some reason.)
(I guess I had seen so
many cheesy movies with
that type of element in
it that it just seemed
ripe for parody.)
PRINCIPAL ANDERS
Chance, I'm sorry. I was wrong. How
would you like a real job here...my
job.
The crowd, along with Hope, look stunned and gleefully
amazed.
(OK, so there's the
obvious Stella rip-off.)
CHANCE
That's very kind of you, Anders.
But somewhere I am needed.
Somewhere they need...a janitor.
Chance and Hope begin to walk through the crowd out of the
gymnasium. Music begins to swell and the crowd sings along
and begins to crescendo in musical finale fashion while their
arms reach in the air.
(The ending was
"inspired" by the
Porcupine Racetrack
sketch by The State.)
END
(Well, that's it! Thanks
for reading my horseshit
"sketch"!)[
top
]
Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.
Please register for this Comedy Flashback Festival’s upcoming workshops. Only a few slots left!
Flip Shades 201 - Emily Strachan (Thanksgiving at Bernie’s)*
Being hilarious in 1992 has never been easier with this four-hour seminar taught by the flip-shades guru Strachan. Techniques covered include: standard surprise, one-up-and-one-down, flip-up-then-pull-down, the flipper-flutter, flip-to-reveal-you’re sleeping, and the surly-flip-down.
$220, Monday 7am
*Canceled.
Topical Humor 1993-1997 - Not Arsenio Hall (The Arsenio Hall Show)**
Covering Bill Clinton’s first term in office, this is for those who want to make fun of a womanizing President and his lesbian murdering wife without all the non-family-friendly cigars. Topics covered include Lorena Bobbitt (Bobbitt? She hardly knew it!), the World Trade Center Bombing (too soon?), and the Billy Crystal Show (Oops! I mean the Academy Awards! But what’s the difference?!) Are they ever gonna release Titanic? Lemme save you the trouble: the boat sinks, people!
$40, Tuesday 2pm to “Whenever!”
**Canceled.
Showing Up Places - Hannah Perry (Almost Got to Audition For MAD TV)***
It sure is hard to show up places you say you are going to go! If you show up to this class, then Hannah Perry, best known for her role as a talking cupcake, will teach you how all the most responsible celebrities do it (Natalie Portman, Hosts of Animal Planet, and more). Showing up places is Hollywood’s best kept secret! Beginners will learn how to arrive & appear, while second-time students will learn more advanced techniques such as the pop in & the breeze by.
$225.25, Wednesday 12pm until everyone get there
***Pending on Hannah’s jaw surgery recovery.
