“This was probably less comedic and more me dealing with…stuff.”
Rejected McSweeney’s Open Letter from October 2007.
Dear Jonathan Taylor Thomas (JTT),
What have you been doing for these last few years? As long as it isn’t violent or racist I might still have feelings for you. You may remember me from that time I sent you a letter covered in fish stickers made by Lisa Frank (tm). You responded nine months later with a signed postcard. I received said postcard on the day of my first boy-girl dance. I took it as a sign to move on. I dated another John that year (Class President) before he broke up with me so he could play guilt-free “spin the bottle” at Billy’s party. John was cute but I remembered you the whole time.
I’ve been thinking about us a lot lately. I feel it’s time that we resume our engagement c. 1995. You didn’t know about our engagement? That’s cool. I’ve let go of most of the things I wanted when I was ten (being a Jedi, maternal approval) but I would still be
interested in marrying you. In my mind that bodes well for our chance
at mutual happiness.
I currently live in an apartment with two really nice classical
musicians. The lease is month to month so I could pretty much leave
whenever. I have a great down-alternative comforter so we won’t need to buy one for our marriage bed. I’m allergic to cats but if you
already have one I can suck it up and deal. Love is about compromise; it’s not about fully functioning airways.
I remember that you are a vegetarian and you like fly fishing. I think
that’s great! I hope you also like taking your kids on vacations to
historical sites along the east coast of the USA because that’s what
we’re gonna do every April and October.
Ring by spring,
Nicole Marie Therese (NMT)
*Festival Performer
